“Cones of Doom, Scoops of Destiny!”
Ladies, gentlemen, and sprinkles of all ages, allow me to introduce The Reaper—a candidate as frosty as a polar bear’s handshake. The Reaper is here to freeze the competition and melt hearts, sponsored by Colfax and Cream (because nothing says “political endorsement” like a double scoop). But who is this mysterious figure lurking in the ice cream aisle?
Backstory
The Reaper emerged from the depths of the freezer section, clad in a midnight-black cape made entirely of waffle cones. His backstory is shrouded in mystery, but rumor has it that he was once a scoop of vanilla that went rogue. Now he’s running for the ultimate title: Ice Cream Overlord.
platform
Flavor Equality
The Reaper promises equal rights for all flavors. No more discrimination against Rocky Road or Mint Chocolate Chip! His slogan: “One scoop, one vote!”
Waffle Cone Infrastructure
The Reaper pledges to build waffle cone highways, connecting every ice cream parlor. “No more potholes—just sprinkles!”
Brain Freeze Diplomacy
His foreign policy involves brain freezes—literally. Imagine him at the UN: “Ladies and gentlemen, let’s chill out and discuss global sprinkling.”
Sundae Security
He’ll create a secret agency—the “Cherry on Top”—to protect sundaes from rogue spoons and hot fudge bandits.
Debates
The Reaper’s debate strategy is unconventional. When asked about climate change, he replied, “I believe in soft-serve diplomacy. Let’s swirl, not melt!” The audience stared, unsure if he was brilliant or just lactose-intolerant.
scandals
The Gelato Incident
The Reaper was caught in a gelato scandal involving pistachio bribes. His defense? “I was just nuts about the election!”
Whipped Creamgate
During a debate, he accidentally sprayed whipped cream on his opponent. The Reaper’s response: “Oops, I just frosted democracy!”
Campaign Events
The Great Brain Freeze Challenge: The Reaper challenged opponents to an ice cream-eating contest. He won by reciting the periodic table while devouring a triple scoop.
Cone-stitutional Convention: His rally featured a giant waffle cone where supporters pledged allegiance to sprinkles and promised to “cone-tinue” the fight.
“Freeze the Competition!”
Meet Larry Lagoon, the slimy yet irresistibly charming swamp monster who has emerged from the murky depths to claim the title of Ice Cream Overlord. His campaign promises are as refreshing as a double scoop on a scorching summer day. But who exactly is Larry, and what’s his story? Hold on tight, because this tale is as wild as a rollercoaster ride through a cotton candy forest.
Backstory
Larry was born in a bubbling bog, where algae-covered tadpoles taught him the art of political maneuvering. His first campaign was for “Swamp King,” but he lost to a particularly ambitious cattail. Undeterred, Larry set his sights higher—much higher. Ice cream. Larry’s journey from the swamp to the ice cream throne is a tale of determination, cunning, and an insatiable sweet tooth. With his past experiences shaping his approach to leadership, Larry is ready to scoop up victory and bring a new flavor to the world of frozen treats.
platform
Flavor Equality
Larry believes that all ice cream flavors deserve equal representation. No more discrimination against rocky road or pistachio! His slogan is “A scoop for every palate, a cone for every soul.”
Environmental Awareness
As a swamp monster, Larry knows the importance of clean water. He pledges to reduce plastic spoon waste and promote reusable sporks.
Melting Point Diplomacy
Larry plans to broker peace between waffle cones and sugar cones. His secret weapon? A colossal dispenser that doubles as a peace pipe, ready to shower sweetness and harmony over any disagreements.
Chill Tax Breaks
Larry promises tax breaks for ice cream parlors that play smooth jazz during business hours. Because nothing pairs better with mint chocolate chip than a saxophone solo.
Debates
Larry’s debate style is unorthodox. He once answered a question about foreign policy with, “Well, I’d scoop up some rocky road diplomacy and sprinkle it over the world. Voilà, peace!” The audience was baffled but oddly charmed.
scandals
The Gelato Affair
Rumor has it that Larry was caught in a clandestine gelato tasting session. Witnesses claim he whispered sweet nothings to a pistachio gelato tub. Larry denies everything, blaming it on a doppelgänger named Barry Bagoon. He insists on his innocence and vows to clear his name, restoring trust in his campaign.
Brain Freeze-gate
During a debate, Larry suffered a brain freeze while discussing his favorite toppings. He stammered, “I propose… uh, hot fudge… and… existential dread.” His opponent quipped, “Larry, that’s not a topping.” Larry replied, “It is in my heart.” His campaign manager quickly intervened, attributing the mishap to lack of sleep and campaign stress. Despite this, Larry remains determined to win over voters with his unique charm and passion for gelato.
Campaign Events
The Great Sundae Summit: Larry hosted an ice cream summit where rival flavors sat down for negotiations. Vanilla threatened to split, but Larry intervened, saying, “Let’s swirl, not hurl!”
Whipped Cream Whirlwind Tour: Larry rode a whipped cream tornado across the country, promising free sprinkles for all. His opponents accused him of “whipped populism.”
